Rewards and Consequences

Living with a nearly 6 year old can be a challenge. There are days where I feel like I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Days when the child pushes, and pushes my buttons, and the "time out" trick just doesn't cut it. A parent has to have an arsenal of consequences at their fingertips when rules are broken or behavior is rebellious. When a child is very young, as mine is, the consequences have to be simple, but impactful.

In turn, "good" behavior and taking on household responsibility needs to be rewarded, and often times, for small children, a "thanks, great job, I really appreciate it" just isn't enough to motivate them to continue wanting to pitch in around the house.

I'm really fortunate in that I joined an online support/discussion board when I was pregnant with Sophia and we have been going strong for almost 7 years now. (Wow, when I see that, I can barely believe it's been that long) The support, the laughter, the advice, the tears, the joys and the deep sorrow and pain we've shared over these past 7 years has been invaluable to me, and my "board" is where I learned about the "rewards jar".

This is our rewards jar station that I have set up in our kitchen. The large jar on the left is filled with river rocks and the small mason jar on the right is the actual rewards jar. As a chore is accomplished, such as emptying the dishwasher, or picking up the playroom, helping with yard work, etc..., she receives a stone, or possibly more, depending on the size of the job. The black electrical tape is the goal line; you fill the jar to the line, and then you can pick a reward from the reward basket.

Things like bowling, a trip and lunch at the zoo, $10 to spend at Toys R Us, etc...are discussed with Sophia and decided upon as rewards. They go into the basket and when she fills the jar, she can pick whatever reward she'd like.

The beauty part of this system is that when there are tantrums, fits of attitude, throwing things, crazy lashing out, hitting, inappropriate comments, belligerence, or general "bad behavior" we remove some or ALL of the earned rocks, depending on the severity of the "crime". This has proven to be a marvelous motivator. All I have to do is threaten to take her stones away, and she makes the appropriate choice. I always leave it up to her, and let her know that she IS in fact choosing her behavior and in turn, choosing the consequence for the behavior. I have found that a great tool to use in conjunction with the rewards jar system is the Melissa and Doug Responsibility Chart.

This hangs in the hall between the playroom and the kitchen.

The chart lists various chores and responsibilities ranging from brushing teeth and making the bed, to emptying the dishwasher and helping with yard work. It serves as a reminder for all of us to continue to guide and teach what responsibility means.

I strongly believe that introducing and exposing children to responsibility, getting them familiar with the value of a hard day's work and the satisfaction that comes from it, is vital to raising a well rounded human being. Self confidence grows as a child realises that they CAN do it. They can make a difference in the home and be a contributor to a smooth running household and this benefits everyone.

I feel like there are a lot of parents who are not holding their children accountable, and it's lead to a nation of pampered, sheltered, irresponsible underachievers. I don't know where the break took place, but I am of the earliest wave of "Generation X'ers". It began with us. We were the first generation to stay home past the age of 18 years of age. Many of us struggled to figure out what we wanted to "do with the rest of our lives". Maybe our parents felt too confined by the 1950's attitudes; the parenting that they were brought up with. My parents had me when they were 22 years old, in 1969, during a time of sexual revolution, a more relaxed attitude toward religion, being thrown into the civil rights "war", Vietnam and the growing counter culture. It was a time of great turmoil, strife and awakening. Maybe this caused a less strict and confining attitude toward parenting. I don't believe my parents were soft on me. I feel I am a responsible and well rounded woman, and I fully attribute that to the way I was raised. I do have to admit though, that I was 22 when I finally left home, and I wallowed around, struggling to find direction for years. I didn't have Sophia until I was 36 years old. Eventually life taught me what I needed to know, and I learned how to get in the game, but there is a drastic difference between my life experience at 18-25 years, versus the life experience, attitudes, focus and mindset of my parents at the same age.

So, with our children's futures in mind, let's all try to do the tough job of teaching our children what it means to serve the community, to work hard, and to feel gratified by the rewards life has in store for effort and perseverance. We are stewards of our children's future. I aim to sow a rich field for Sophia, filled with generosity of spirit and time, a sense of duty and responsibility, tempered with a gentle, respectful, open mind. It starts now, and every day.